Wednesday, 28 September 2011

I'm not ashamed

Depression is a serious illness. Health professionals use the words depression, depressive illness or clinical depression to refer to it. It is very different from the common experience of feeling unhappy, miserable or fed up for a short period of time.

When you are depressed, you may have feelings of extreme sadness that can last for a long time. These feelings are severe enough to interfere with your daily life, and can last for weeks or months, rather than days. Depression is quite common and about one in ten people will experience depression at some point. However, the exact number of people with depression is hard to estimate because many people do not get help or are not formally diagnosed with the condition. It is said that women are more likely to have depression than men, and 1 in 4 women will require treatment for depression at some point, compared to 1 in 10 men. Men are far more likely than women to commit suicide, which may be because men are less likely to seek help for depression. Alternatively, it may be due to other factors including substance misuse, unemployment and social isolation. Depression can affect people of any age, including children. Studies have shown that about 4% of children aged 5-16 in the UK are affected by depression.

I’d been suffering stress symptoms for some time, palpitations, sweating, heavy breathing, sleep disturbance and above all irritability; I began suffering from depression after years of ups and downs. As a child growing up, in my life span of over twenty years I have seen just about everything. I’ve had to deal with abuse which lead to anxiety, high expectations which lead to stress, death which lead to distress and overall a sense of under achieving, hopelessness and failure which lead to depression.  
I would spend my time doing the absolute minimum possible, dreading the day ahead. I suffered intense fear but didn’t fear anything tangible. Days passed without me even getting a second of sleep. As time went by instead of getting better I found myself free falling into a deep trench of depression. My whole life I had been strong for others and now I had no trust or belief in myself. I felt worthless. At my lowest I thought long and hard about taking my life but the idea of others having to cope in my absence brought me to my senses. I suppose my arrogance saved me, thinking that others couldn’t cope without me lol but I prefer to think that it was their love which focused my mind. I started drinking heavily as an escape but sometimes this lead to situations which could have ended in tragedy, especially since I had not much control of my actions and reactions. I could sit in a room full of people and feel lonely. 

I still have the occasional setback, periods of anxiety, but I know that they are not permanent. An hour, a day or a week long but they do pass. I don't cope with stressful situations very well anymore and I recognise that the episodes of anxiety usually occur when I am outside my comfort zone but you can’t avoid every situation which makes you feel uncomfortable. I know that depression is a lifelong condition, I’m never clear of it but I can control aspects of it. I now abide by this saying “When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself” I am not ashamed of my illness because it was not my fault, it is just a chemical imbalance.

People with a family history of depression are more likely to experience depression themselves. Depression affects people in many ways and can cause a wide variety of physical, psychological (mental) and social symptoms. A few people still think that depression is not a real illness and that it is a form of weakness or admission of failure. This is simply not true. Depression is a real illness with real effects, and it is certainly not a sign of failure. With the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery from depression. It is important to seek help from your GP if you think you may be depressed.

1 comment:

  1. So true my brotha. Sometimes you don't know that something is terribly wrong until you get help, hear someone talk bout the same problems you have or its just like in many cases its just too late.

    Had the same issues with tryna control my emotional state, an that lead to antisocial behaviour. I found myself consuming copious amounts of marijuana and drinking like a fish to stop myself from thinking about it too much. When surrounded by family I would do nothing but be short tempered with people which led to isolation as a means to avoid being such a horrible person. In many cases its not what you want, but you resort to seclusion to minimise the damage it causes to others. Ultimately that's not the solution because it just makes things worse.

    Reading your blog was like a mirror image of similar life patterns in my own person space an its not a pleasant space to be in. Though I am yet to seek help I know that I have a serious chemical imbalance an at times feel like I could cut my heart out with a knife because of the pain an it feels like someone poured acid right on that spot.

    Many times people misunderstand it as you being unruly and just a difficult person but the main problem is that our families don't have the knowledge to fully understand what's going on with.

    This has been very insightful my brotha, keep on spreading the word an righting about the things that count.

    Your friend Bizzle

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