The Dark

The Dark

I prefer being in the dark, actually I love being in a quiet, dark area all alone because my dark skin blends right in with the darkness and nobody can see me and if they can't see me they won't be able to see the sorrow on my face and the pain in my eyes.

I love being in a quiet dark area alone because its just me, myself, I and my thoughts, but the ugly head of fear in the form of the slightest ray of light lurks somewhere in the dark, in Limbo taunting my brain and waiting to pounce on me once again.

I love being in a quiet dark area alone because it is truly the only place where I don't feel any eyes on me, the kind of eyes that laugh at the sorrow on my face and the pain in my eyes.

I love being in a quiet dark area alone because I can almost convince myself that I'm whole and fully sane, unlike in an illuminated room full of people where I feel empty and the prying eyes strip me bare and see my insanity.

I love being in a quiet dark area alone because for me it is a sanctuary, a place of peace where I feel my existence is not a burden on anyone.
 

Sonnet

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the ambience.
Effortlessly, I become fearful,
mistakenly I neglect the fact there’s always an audience.
I swiftly try and hide any trace of emotion,
I attempt to conceal them from the light.
I’m aware they’re expecting a reaction,
Cause in my pain they take delight.
I’m numb, have lost all feeling,
Unable to express myself sincerely.
Motionless, I manage to look to the ceiling,
“Dear Lord” I pray to you oh so dearly.
As I begin to realise and appreciate,
To your children, You are eternally compassionate.

My style Icons

Innovative style lover based in London and a Durban native

My unique style stems from different capacities namely photography, night life and my three style icons Derick Watkins, Ozwald Boateng and Scott Disick. Even though I have never exchanged words or even met any of my style icons, apart from an outside view of Ozwald's flagship store in Saville Row; their etiquette, savvy and attention to detail has influenced me greatly as a budding stylist, gentleman and a creative mind..... Street style dressing was never really my forte, it was a very brief stint in my life actually it was just never my thing Ive always been more of a formal dresser. 

Derick Watkins
Musician and author, host of  
From G's to Gents. 

 Around the time of my 21st birthday most of my friends were still into street/casual style and i made it a point to make the theme formal dress because I wanted to project my character and make it something very different to normal parties. My love for formal style came from seeing the way my unlces, my dad and his friends dressed. So when I first saw Derrick Watkins in the music video 'Bad boy for life' I thought; ok this guy is crazy, but I thought his dressing style was interesting. When he became host of the TV show from G's to Gents he just took it to a whole different level. His outfits were so bold, full of colour, proper and coupled with a gentlemans attitude to match. I fell in love with the style but I must admitted I was scared of trying out the colours on myself because of my dark skin. He was the inspiration for the outfit I wore to and awards ceremony in 2008, which led me to buying my very first tweed blazer.

Ozwald Boateng
 Fashion designer known 
for his trade mark bespoke
and twist on 
classic British tailoring.

I have always known about tailoring but had never really grasped the concept of it, to be frank I didnt like the idea I thought it was all just a big fuss over nothing. It wasnt until I found out about Ozwald Boateng about 4 years ago, I instantly fell in love with his suites and I thought to myself 'I need to hit the gym so I can fit into a suite like him' hahaha... I would search shop after shop for the right sizes but my clothes still didnt fit me as well as they fit him, I dont know why I was so ignorant to the art of tailoring. A friend of mine Jonathan Cash who is a trainee tailor at Dege and Skinner in Saville Row has taught me a lot about the right cut, fit, style and bespoke tailoring, so now I've become more aware of the finer details behind Boatengs chiseled fit. At the momment I see his bespoke suites as something I will definitley have in my 20 year plan because right now my bank balance does not allow me to even browse in his shop. Im a firm believer in not not spending a fortune on clothes and especially living in London where the  has lead to me being a seasoned bargain hunter.

Scott Disick
Model and television personality

I dont even know where to start with Scott Disick, his sense of style and love for fashion is impeccable and in my eyes one of the best dressed males in my lifetime. According to the Oxford Concise English dictionary style is a kind or sort, especially in regard to appearance which can be described by forming adjectives and adverbs in a manner characteristic of the sense/chosen/prefered style. I dont know; some people may think im being shallow by saying this, but Im going to go ahead and say it anyway, in my view I strongly feel that style defines ones character and Scott is the living definition of this. I absolutely love walking down the streets of urban London and seeing so many people dressed so good, but I feel that lately alot of the latest fashion trends have become like school/work uniform and people have lost the sense of originality when it comes to style.



 Like I mentioned earlier I am a bit of a bargain hunter but sometimes I do get carried away lol... 

One of my many mix and match outfits inspired by my icons:

Cotton Shirt: Uniqlo

Trousers: H&M

Leather Belt: Dolce and Gabbana

Shoes: Russell and Bromley

Jacket: William Hunt (Saville Row)

Watch: Seiko Kinetic

Zulu

Nomvula Wearing ubuhlalu (zulu beads), isicholo (hat) and a colourful umbrella

“It HAS TO BE SAID... Zulu is a beautiful Language... Spoken and Written... I just get so excited.... Get someone who knows, speaks and writes Genuine Zulu and you will know what I mean”

Those are the words that insipred me...

My heart longs for him

inhliziyo yam iyavutha

akuwona umlilo we big Nuz

loluthando lungaba ingozi kumina 

kepha angifune muntu ozolucisha

out of the blue our paths colided

ngiyafisa ukuwazi ukuthi wayevelaphi lobhuti

ofana naye angikaze ngihlangana naye

wavele wafika eskhaleni,esthubeni wangiheha

oh how he Woo'd me with his sweet words

amazwi akhe ayengafani nawabanye

aye hlukile kakhulu, ngangingeke ngimfanise nomunye umuntu,

wayezimisele, emise okwenkosi yakwa zulu, engeve egqoke kahle

iscathulo sakhe singesukum'phansi

Love takes time and so he gave me his time inreturn for my heart

wayengajahile, futhi wayezithathela iskhathi sakhe

wathi kimi, "lelilanga elethu sodwa ungesabi, yimina nawe sthandwa

kade ngangimfuna ofana nawe, njengoba sengikutholile angisoze ngakulahla"

Oh how my heart melted

wase ethi "ngiyawuzwa umculo wenhliziyo yakho, uyangibiza uthi 'Qonda ngqo unge duki' 

sengifikile manje, ngizokucela kubazali bakho, ngizokuwezna owakwam"

let he not be lead astray, in his heart is is where i belong

My Zulu Warrior, with no spear or weapon he won me over, the battle was not mine to fight

Wangishela efuna ngimqome, ngasesengimthanda ngalesoskhathi, 

ngangingeke ngicabange ukumphoxha

ngangisaba kodwa ngingazi ngisabani

ngicabanga ukuth angase abaleke nenhliziyo yami, ngangizokwenzenjani

ngavele ngathi kuyena, "Lalela La, angisona isilima, futhi nje Anginaso iskhathi sokudlala"

Wangibambela eduze whathi/he whispered "thula thula, shh shh shh" wangicindezela esfubeni sakhe

ngalesoskhathi kwakuthi angikhale, kanti ngizomuzwa ethi "uwena wedwa sthandwa, lalela nayi inhliziyo yami iyaku memeza, ibiza igama lakho lodwa, lalela umculo wothando, ngiyakuthanda Nomvula"

at this point his intentions were very clear

kwakungathi ngiya phupha

kwafika emqondweni ukuthi angizi ncinze

ngizokwazi ukuvuvka ephushweni

angifuni ukuzihlupa ngiphinde ngiphuke inhliziyo ngokuzikhohlisa ngento engekho

"hawe Ma, kwaze kwabuhlungu" ngazizwa ngimemeza, ngikhala- sengizilimaza, ngiyncinza 

ngasengibona uukthi akulona iphupho leli

Kwasukasukela! Cosi! akuyona ngisho nenganekwane,

This was my reality not a fairytale

Incwadi yothando ngesiZulu

Namhlanje ngizwe ngathi ngingabhala incwadi yothando ngesiZulu

Thath isandla sami usivumele sikusondeze enhliziyweni yami

Ubumbhano lwethu akukho okungaluhlakaza

Umangikubona ngiyengizwe intokozo emangalisayo

Esikhathini esifishane kangaka usungizwise uthando olumangalisayo

Futhi ngiqinisekile ngoba inhliziyo ayinamanga

Ingqondo kuphela ekwazi ukwakha amaqhinga

Indlela osungithinte ngayo akukholakali

Ukumamatheka kwakho kuqhakazisa usuku lami

Ukukhazimula kwamehlo akho kushokwezinkanyezi

Ukuthambha kwezindebe zakho mangabe ngikuqabula

O he! Ngiyabikelwa isizungu mangabe usuhambile

Mangabe usho ngezwilakho elimnene uthi “ngiyakuthanda sithandwa sami” Kuvele kuhlasimule umzimbha ngivukwe uhlevane

Ngangingazi ukuthi nami ngiyoze ngiphinde ngiluthole uthando olungaka

Sthandwa sami ngesinye isikhathi mawulele eceleni kwami

Ngivele ngiphelelwe amazwi

Ungaxwayi mawuza ngikugijima ngesandla sami ohlangothini lakho lwesinxele

Ngisuke ngifuna ukuzwa uthando lakho bukhoma.

Oh! Kodwa sthandwa sami ngifisa ngathi uthando lwethu lungafana nendilinga, lungabi nasiphetho.

Friendships last a life time

 "True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."

 I was lying on my bed listening to music on shuffle when Janet Jackson's "Got till it's gone" came on and it just reminded me of past times when I had looked back and thought to myself only if I could get another chance. Its funny how it always takes a dramatic event for us to tell those that are close to us how much we love and appreciate them, sometimes we realise it too late when we dont even have a shot at a second chance. Our actions make the saying "You dont know what you have till its gone" so true.

It was in July 2005 when I first came to England, where I first saw him from the window, he had extremely long hair and was frantically bouncing a basketball "And1" style just like "Hot Sauce". I thought to myself "he is so full of himself, let me go challenge him to a one on one game", in my head I knew I was better than him because after all my name was Lindani "defence" "Dunk" Dube. "Game 11 Check", bounce, Cross Over, Bang, 1-0 to Meeks "I'll give him that one". "Check", bounce, Cross Over, goes for a lay up; "ah ah ah" BLOCKED "This is my house." The scuffle went on and it was clear that none of us wanted to loose. The score was 9-8 to Meeks and I had the ball "Check", bounce, bounce Cross over, Showtime aaaaah Dunk!!!!. Meeks' ball "Check", pump fake, one bounce to the ryt, shot from the three point line, Bang!!! he wins the game. Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it, makes you laugh until you can't stop; makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is Forever Friendship. When you're down, and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times, and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete, because you need not worry. You have a forever friend for life, and forever has no end. 

A few years ago during your time of trouble and loneliness I was powerless to help because of ignorance but after our chat before I left the words you said at the kitchen table made me realise that the mere knowledge of a good friendship made it possible for you to endure through the hardship. Our friendship was not diminished by distance, time, imprisonment, suffering or silence. It is in these very events that I can proudly say “in you Meek’s I’ve found a friend and brother for life.”

"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."

I'm not ashamed

Depression is a serious illness. Health professionals use the words depression, depressive illness or clinical depression to refer to it. It is very different from the common experience of feeling unhappy, miserable or fed up for a short period of time.

When you are depressed, you may have feelings of extreme sadness that can last for a long time. These feelings are severe enough to interfere with your daily life, and can last for weeks or months, rather than days. Depression is quite common and about one in ten people will experience depression at some point. However, the exact number of people with depression is hard to estimate because many people do not get help or are not formally diagnosed with the condition. It is said that women are more likely to have depression than men, and 1 in 4 women will require treatment for depression at some point, compared to 1 in 10 men. Men are far more likely than women to commit suicide, which may be because men are less likely to seek help for depression. Alternatively, it may be due to other factors including substance misuse, unemployment and social isolation. Depression can affect people of any age, including children. Studies have shown that about 4% of children aged 5-16 in the UK are affected by depression.

“I’d been suffering stress symptoms for some time, palpitations, sweating, heavy breathing, sleep disturbance and above all irritability; I began suffering from depression after years of ups and downs. As a child growing up, in my life span of over twenty years I have seen just about everything. I’ve had to deal with abuse which lead to anxiety, high expectations which lead to stress, death which lead to distress and overall a sense of under achieving, hopelessness and failure which lead to depression.  

I would spend my time doing the absolute minimum possible, dreading the day ahead. I suffered intense fear but didn’t fear anything tangible. Days passed without me even getting a second of sleep. As time went by instead of getting better I found myself free falling into a deep trench of depression. My whole life I had been strong for others and now I had no trust or belief in myself. I felt worthless. At my lowest I thought long and hard about taking my life but the idea of others having to cope in my absence brought me to my senses. I suppose my arrogance saved me, thinking that others couldn’t cope without me lol but I prefer to think that it was their love which focused my mind. I started drinking heavily as an escape but sometimes this lead to situations which could have ended in tragedy, especially since I had not much control of my actions and reactions. I could sit in a room full of people and feel lonely. 

I still have the occasional setback, periods of anxiety, but I know that they are not permanent. An hour, a day or a week long but they do pass. I don't cope with stressful situations very well anymore and I recognise that the episodes of anxiety usually occur when I am outside my comfort zone but you can’t avoid every situation which makes you feel uncomfortable. I know that depression is a lifelong condition, I’m never clear of it but I can control aspects of it. I now abide by this saying “When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself” I am not ashamed of my illness because it was not my fault, it is just a chemical imbalance.”

People with a family history of depression are more likely to experience depression themselves. Depression affects people in many ways and can cause a wide variety of physical, psychological (mental) and social symptoms. A few people still think that depression is not a real illness and that it is a form of weakness or admission of failure. This is simply not true. Depression is a real illness with real effects, and it is certainly not a sign of failure. With the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery from depression. It is important to seek help from your GP if you think you may be depressed.

I witnessed a murder

 

 

 

I witnessed a murder
I was at the scene of the crime
I saw the blood, I heard the bullets as they pierced her heart
I didn’t do anything to help her
Thought SHE could fend for her self
The battle was hers, not mine
If SHE was meant to live, would SHE not have survived
She would probably have still been alive today
Clearly that was her time to go
SHE had served her purpose.

They never knew how cool SHE was
Her intellect surpassed them all
A happy character, she was a lot of fun.
SHE came in unannounced with out any notice
I enjoyed her company so I let her stay , SHE didn’t have to ask.
She overstayed her welcome 
When SHE started to change the ambience 
I started feeling a bitter taste of our connection
SHE was illicitly reeking havoc.

SHE wasn’t loud or dramatic
With simple gestures and soft whispers
SHE took over my conscience
SHE wanted to take over
Her intentions were not to be Co-pilot
Nor did she want to fill the vacancy for understudy
SHE overstepped my boundaries
SHE didn’t know her place
So I decided SHE had to go.

I witnessed a murder of a being
That then, was a part of me
I watched as SHE was ripped into pieces
Quickly discarded so no one noticed she was gone
There was only one witness
That witness was the killer

Was I right? Was I wrong?
See I had looked into the crystal ball
didn’t like the ME she would have made me
Didn’t fit into the ME I had seen in the Architects blueprint
So I decided to play a part in altering the way things were going

SHE was lazy, got nothing done
SHE loved shortcuts,
Didn’t appreciate all the hard work I had put in
Nor were our dreams similar.
SHE spoke her mind without any regard
Her words leaving scars and bruised egos
SHE had no timing, without warning …
her bullets slowly minimised all foes and friends alike 

Silent screams of help from me would sometimes stop her in her tracks
I was lonesome, needed a companion
Never had time for auditions so I made a random selection
SHE was the wrong decision 

I murdered her, euthanised her slowly so she felt no pain
At times I feel pain for ending her life so abruptly
But I don’t feel no guilt, not a bit of remorse 
I had to get ME back
So I could fulfil MY purpose
So I erased her from existence
She will never return 
Totally extinct, and u know what…
I couldn’t be more happier.

I tried to help her plenty of times
Told her all things in proportion so pace yourself
Would SHE have ever listened to me?
SHE was enticed by the other life, new acquaintences 
And her role of potential power.
SHE’s not a bad person 
Nor am I a good person, but im trying to be
See that’s the difference between SHE and I
All that’s left of her are memories 
I wont forget SHE , SHE’s a constant reminder of where I shouldn’t be
Ever so often SHE comes to mind
Then I reminisce on the good times we shared
SHE’s not mad is SHE ?
SHE’s in a better place, my minds at ease.

I witnessed a murder
Though I am not a killer
I just did what I thought was right
Cause SHE was not me
I AM ME
The better half of what I almost became 
had she been in existence…

I am not a murderer 
I am ALIVE and I AM ME
NO vacancies for counterfeits